A journal extract - on giving myself space to listen in

5 September 2014

I had blogger open for an hour earlier to write a post. I wrote nothing except "I want to blog but I don't know what to write..".

Fast forward to now, I'm in bed, I've Ben snuggled up next to me, Goblin is running around like a cat possessed and I've just done 15 minutes of Headspace meditation. Those 15 minutes kick started something in me, they inspired me and I thought instead of writing some nonsense about "blah blah i've been busy blah" I would instead share my journal entry. You see, most times after I've meditated I reflect on my experience and usually write in my journal anything that has come up. It's a practice that we were encouraged to do on our Yoga Teacher Training and one that has stuck like glue since because it's so bloody insightful.

So here goes...

15 minutes. At first I was restless, fidgety, distracted, unfocused and bored...even considering giving up entirely and settling into my book instead. But then I realised like a slap in the face that on TT I'd been up against far worst and yet I still honoured myself and my practice by showing up, getting over it and sticking it out regardless. I could have given up but I knew that I would be lying to myself and the disappointment would sit in me, giving me reason after reason not to trust myself. Nope. I would be sticking this one out. 

I was going to LISTEN IN. 
So what did I hear? 

I heard and felt that I hadn't been breathing deeply and soundly for days. There was a belief of lack instead of abundance and this was showing up in my short and shallow breaths. Surrendering to the fact that I was going to be there for 15 minutes meant that I could LET GO this belief of lack. 

I heard, crystal clear, that underneath my harsh judgements and criticisms of myself that I AM WORTH LOVE AND TRUST. It wasn't something that I thought. It was something that I felt. Deep down in my heart and Soul. All that crap was what it says on the tin. Crap. 

I heard and then felt tears running down my cheeks.This was the sadness that I felt for the part of me that feels somewhat lost at the moment: my "yogi side". I met the sadness with love and the knowledge that I define what Yoga means to me in the context of my life. Yoga to me is being mindful of my highly sensitive nature and of my energy. It is breathing deeply and fully. It is stretching and moving in a way that feels GOOD TO ME. Most importantly though it is realising that when I haven't been doing these things, taking a body check-in and then meeting that moment with LOVE AND COMPASSION and not fear and judgement for 'not being good enough or doing enough'. 

I heard that my life has changed. Dramatically. And that it's taken a path that was unexpected and uncomfortable for a while. I'm not teaching yoga full time, I haven't written that eBook that I know is in there waiting to be birthed, I'm not making waves to having a flexible and free-range career. But what I am doing now is learning and growing and being challenged. Every single day. And this FEELS EXPANSIVE. It feels good. And feeling good is the primary intention remember (hint to Danielle LaPorte there!). The last four months I have busted through what I believed to be my capabilities and for that I am fucking proud. My Yoga and meditation practice keeps me rooted from a place of love whilst I explore what the Universe has given me - after all, I set my intention for growth this year and oh my did the Universe deliver! 

This year has been BIG. My biggest yet and I am loving every single shiny moment. 



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