On being transparent and the lessons of life & self-care

15 April 2014

I suppose this post is me being transparent with you all and letting you know why I've been so quiet these past two weeks. Showing up anyway, speaking my truth, owning the parts of me that I would rather leave alone. It's all a practise, it's all part of the journey.
The last week has been a real mish-mash of emotions and I've resisted talking about it because it's been too confusing for me to put into coherent sentences.
Actually, I've resisted pretty much most of the things that I know make me feel good and nourished (meditation, yoga practise, journaling, writing, dancing) and done lots of the things that make me feel heavy and numb (booze, processed sugar, not enough sleep).
All this (and a few other things: my rusty yoga teaching skills, an OCD tick that has taken up residence in my body, feeling weak and unconnected to eating) has brought up the 'all or nothing bitchy Nicola' that steps in, takes my "story" (of not feeling good enough) and waves it in front of my face shouting 'See... You can't do this, you're not enough, who are you trying to kid??'.
I suppose it feels like there's this part of me that is resisting balance and instead striving damn hard for perfection (whatever that even is). What's made it feel hyper-sensitive is that I'm aware of all of this going on, but have struggled hearing the voice that's saying 'don't bother trying to be perfect, be impeccable instead'.
'don't bother trying to be perfect, be impeccable instead'.
Last night I lit some candles and incense, put some music on and got on my mat thinking that moving my body and being kind and compassionate to it would help me get out of this funk but it didn't go as expected. I ended up really frustrated and on the verge of tears because my body felt so weak and tight. I softened a little bit after but then accidentally burnt Ben when we were making dinner and it all came bubbling up again....not my finest of moments. Ben, I'm sorry.

Basically all of this has felt quite suffocating and I've shied away from this space big time.
"If I won't write all the time and love it then I won't write at all."
Big fat 'all or nothing' again. 
I've been full of fear about the slippy slope that leads to that place of YUCK. It starts with the blog falling to the way-side, then the yoga practise, then the reading falls away, followed by the meditation and the nourishing diet. Then 'what's the point of any of it anyway?' rears it's ugly head.

Instead of feeding into this fear I've decided to haul my ass out of this hole and am going to do small but nourishing things today that are achievable (lets stack the odds in favour of success why don't we?) and will make me feel connected to myself and my WHY.

My why: inspire love and trust.

For me this means:
• Eat foods that make me feel good. Feeling good is the primary intention! No processed sugar or biscuits, lots of herbal tea, my hearty stew for lunch. Crowd out the bad with good.
• Move my body. Yoga class with my gorgeous friend Ellika and then maybe a dance party for one when I get home! Whatever feels good at the time! Going with the flow, making things easy and free.
• Meditate on my lunch break. Maybe in the Church next door. Sacred space.
• Go for a walk after my meditation. Fresh air and sunshine...yes please!

This morning I started off with some Apple Cider Vinegar and water and a spoonful of flax seed oil, I've had my yummy super-food granola, two cups of delicious herbal tea and am looking forward to the rest of the day with all this stuff behind me.

"Through the chaos, through the darkness, the broken heartedness, we will always circle back to light.
Your true nature is luminous."
-Danielle LaPorte

Other things I'm WILDLY grateful for right now...
• Having safe spaces to come to and release the resistance of everything going on.
• Goblin waking me up with tonnes of cuddles and a kiss on the nose.
• Spending the long weekend with Ben house sitting for my sister. We've rented a car and are using the freedom of a car to explore the lovely countryside around North Essex. Road tripppp!!!
• Knowing that I only have 2 more weeks in this job and that my new job is super exciting and will be lovely and busy! The girls there are really looking forward to doing some yoga classes too...silver linings.
• For Nag Champa.
• For switching to plain organic Rosehip Oil as my moisturiser. I'm using this and I really HIGHLY recommend it. My skin is already glowy and its only been a week...which means I'm now grateful for not having to wear as much make-up as a result of my nice glowy skin. Bonus.
• For Ben being my soul mate.


  1. I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. I comment here occasionally, but not enough. I don't know if it helps at all, but your blog is one of my favourites because of your honesty. In the past, I've suffered from bouts of depression, and anxiety is something I still struggle with.
    I found your blog at a time of upheaval in my life, and your words about your own journey; the things that brought you peace, and your honesty about your own struggles sometimes to be kind to yourself, were immensely helpful. Self-care has become much more important to me.
    In part thanks to your blog, more recently, I've worked harder to take better care of me, both through physical things like healthier foods and exercise, and mentally, by finding time to read more, or to just be quiet. I've had a period of upheaval again (my boyfriend, who I've been living with for four months just accepted a dream job, that takes him away during the week), and I've handled it far better than I ever thought I could.

    I hope you find your feet again soon and can get a little calm back. You might not think you're doing well, but you really are, and your honesty about the difficult parts are so helpful to read about.

  2. I know that this feeling all too well! Chin up lovely, hope you continue to follow your plan of wonderful things (and I hope I can do the same)

  3. I love how honest this is, and sorry to hear you've been feeling rubbish! I've been there. It's good to see you're pulling yourself out the rut though, as my Dad always says, the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth! The silver lining is that, when you do start to feel better you'll feel brilliant - you have to have rubbish times to appreciate when you do feel good! xx

  4. I'm so similar to you with this. the all or nothing. things can fall downhill so quickly, and it's all to do with mentality. it's so silly. maybe you could try giving yourself one day a week where you get to eat one shitty meal and have a few glasses. i think it's ok to break the rules as long as it's in moderation. good luck, and don't feel bad for having a rough patch, it happens to all of us, and it only makes us learn and grow stronger ;)

  5. Your honesty is incredible, this is one of bravest posts I ever have seen. I went through rough times recently and ended up deleting my whole blog, I couldn't face it anymore. I wrote posts similar to this, re wrote them, re analysed them but never had the courage to put them out there. I can associate with nearly everything you have said. I just want to say "thank you". Jeez, maybe I'm not as crazy as I originally though ;-) xx


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