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My struggles...all 9562 of them.

20 May 2013

What have I learnt on this Blog Every Day challenge???

That I don't really like blogging at the weekend.

Why? Because I will ALWAYS prioritise time with my family and friends over sitting behind a computer (which I do every blooming day..) and this weekend was one of those times. I relaxed, I ate, I   shopped, I laughed, drank lots of herbal tea, I saw Ben's family, I saw Star Trek, I ironed (not so fun), I napped, I had more herbal tea with one incredible lady and I let myself be. 

So ignoring the missed two posts and focusing on today, I am going to "get real" and share something that I am "struggling with"....

And 'get real" is exactly what I am going to do. The last six months have been probably some of the most incredible of my life. I have grown, explored and been deeply moved more than I ever have been before. I have tried to be completely present in my own life, good times and the bad. I have held myself completely accountable for my happiness and my feelings. I have lent in. I have been scared and  vulnerable and open. 
This work takes practise. It doesn't just happen, it's cultivated. I have never believed this more than I do right now. 
And whilst I do this work I struggle. I struggle most days actually.  

Maybe one of the biggest things that I am struggling with at the moment is letting go of hundreds of stories in my past that do not serve me. The times I have been awful to people I love, the times that I have been down right awful to myself, the times I have felt unbearable shame, not living in a way that is aligned with my soul, being horrible to my body, my money story, not believing in my ability to make things happen ... the list goes on. I am trying to forgive myself. It's dirty and it's painful, but I will do it.

Knowing that I am enough and that I have greatness in me is not something that I easily own. In the past few months I have occasionally flirted with the concept but have yet to grab it with both hands and make it mine.

Sas said to me in our first session that one of the greatest things I can do for myself is to "trust that this all works out perfectly". Easier said than done. Which is precisely why I have written those words down again and again and again and again in my journal. I tell myself every morning and every night while I am thinking of all the things that I am blessed with and grateful for  that it really will work out. Every time I wonder "what the fuck is going on" and every time I am close to tears I tell myself. And you know what, even though sometimes I just do not believe it, other times I can tell that some part of me, deep down within really does believe it and knows it to be truth. And that is good enough for me. 

I struggle with what my definition of success is. My true definition is so far from what it used to be. My job title and how much money I make does not define me. My "calling" will not be one that is found in a 9-5 office job. My "purpose" is in fact my family, my wellbeing, my friends, what I do with my spare time, what I give to the world, being kind. Success cannot be found anywhere other than within myself and I am working damn hard to not compare my start to someone else's middle at the same time. 

I struggle and I am proud of my struggles. I surrender to them. 

Come from a place of love, not fear.

14 comments :

  1. Our struggles are part of who we are. Good on you for dealing with them in this way.

    Sarabeth
    Life of an Agnostic Sunday School Teacher

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  2. I just kept thinking... this is so right, this is so beautiful.. and then I read.. "come from a place of love, not fear.." and it took all I had to not just cry. I'm not really sure why.

    But thank you for this, it was just incredible.

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  3. the most beautiful part of struggle is knowing you WILL get through it :) xx

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  4. I could have written the same thing. Beautifully said.

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  5. I'm working on letting go also. I'm thinking when it will it get easier, if it gets. maybe it will..

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  6. This is a beautiful piece Nicola, open, honest and inspiring. xx

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  7. Really lovely piece of writing and expression. I have found the concept of radical acceptance (ie I dont have to like it but may have to accept it) has been really helpful in the letting go piece of the struggle...good luck and congrats on coming so far. I hope to be there some day as well.

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  8. This is such an amazing post! It couldn't have come at a better time for me. Sometimes I find trusting that it will all work out almost impossible; everything seems like a setback or a failure sometimes. But my favourite quotation is 'Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not yet the end.'
    Beautiful writing! xox

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  9. Beautifully written. It seems as though we are both at the same place at the moment. You seem to write what I feel in all your posts right now. We will make our way through it and make our peace with ourselves. I know how difficult it is but you are doing so well :) xx

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  10. I don't like blogging on the weekend either, I feel like those are days for stepping away from the screen for a little while. We are SO similar it's a little scary!

    Jennie xo | sailorjennie.com

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  11. I LOVE this post! I think we have to accept the things we struggle with and learn to stop giving ourselves such a hard time xx

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  12. I'm right there with you - these are the things I'm struggling with these past months, too.
    I know we can do it and i know things will work out for all of us if we keep believing in it :)

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  13. Oh Nic, this is so awesome. Especially redefining your definition of success. I've been trying to do the same exact thing. Our jobs are not who we are, all they do is pay the bills.

    You are awesome!!

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  14. You are coming so far in your self care it is a joy to read. Just remember those times when you can't let go and you are remembering all the times in the past when you hurt those you love or hurt yourself. Turn it on it's head and think of all the times you have bought joy to those you love and joy to yourself and I bet you will be amazed at how many times you have done positive things compared to the negative. I totally TOTALLY agree with what Sas says. And as for success, the only way you can truly measure it is how you feel about your life - HOW YOU FEEL, not how you think you should feel for others/society, or how they make you feel. If you feel peace and joy in your heart and soul then you are a successful chick my friend x

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