What have I learnt on this Blog Every Day challenge???
That I don't really like blogging at the weekend.
Why? Because I will ALWAYS prioritise time with my family and friends over sitting behind a computer (which I do every blooming day..) and this weekend was one of those times. I relaxed, I ate, I shopped, I laughed, drank lots of herbal tea, I saw Ben's family, I saw Star Trek, I ironed (not so fun), I napped, I had more herbal tea with one incredible lady and I let myself be.
So ignoring the missed two posts and focusing on today, I am going to "get real" and share something that I am "struggling with"....
And 'get real" is exactly what I am going to do. The last six months have been probably some of the most incredible of my life. I have grown, explored and been deeply moved more than I ever have been before. I have tried to be completely present in my own life, good times and the bad. I have held myself completely accountable for my happiness and my feelings. I have lent in. I have been scared and vulnerable and open.
This work takes practise. It doesn't just happen, it's cultivated. I have never believed this more than I do right now.
And whilst I do this work I struggle. I struggle most days actually.
Maybe one of the biggest things that I am struggling with at the moment is letting go of hundreds of stories in my past that do not serve me. The times I have been awful to people I love, the times that I have been down right awful to myself, the times I have felt unbearable shame, not living in a way that is aligned with my soul, being horrible to my body, my money story, not believing in my ability to make things happen ... the list goes on. I am trying to forgive myself. It's dirty and it's painful, but I will do it.
Knowing that I am enough and that I have greatness in me is not something that I easily own. In the past few months I have occasionally flirted with the concept but have yet to grab it with both hands and make it mine.
Sas said to me in our first session that one of the greatest things I can do for myself is to "trust that this all works out perfectly". Easier said than done. Which is precisely why I have written those words down again and again and again and again in my journal. I tell myself every morning and every night while I am thinking of all the things that I am blessed with and grateful for that it really will work out. Every time I wonder "what the fuck is going on" and every time I am close to tears I tell myself. And you know what, even though sometimes I just do not believe it, other times I can tell that some part of me, deep down within really does believe it and knows it to be truth. And that is good enough for me.
I struggle with what my definition of success is. My true definition is so far from what it used to be. My job title and how much money I make does not define me. My "calling" will not be one that is found in a 9-5 office job. My "purpose" is in fact my family, my wellbeing, my friends, what I do with my spare time, what I give to the world, being kind. Success cannot be found anywhere other than within myself and I am working damn hard to not compare my start to someone else's middle at the same time.
I struggle and I am proud of my struggles. I surrender to them.
Come from a place of love, not fear.